i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
