I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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