and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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