I think my vagina is haunted
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
pray to the hookup gods
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
