i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just want to make out with him forever
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
