I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
