The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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