I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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