You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize