I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
