i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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