i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
