His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
