I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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