Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
