Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
