the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My ass is underappreciated
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
