mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
