I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
