I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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