Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
