There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
