I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize