You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How naked do you want me to be?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
