I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
