News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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