there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
