My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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