Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
