he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
