i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
