Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
