Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I got inside last night via doggy door
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
