It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
