Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
