My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
