If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
