Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
