marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
