I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
