apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
