My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
