Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
