I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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