TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
