I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
