My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
the raccoons are back...
Randomize