I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
