It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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