Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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