I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
