I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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