I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
