Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
