I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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