Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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