is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
