I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
