I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
