I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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