you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
